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Yay! Barbarella!   
10:32am 16/03/2009
mood: bouncy
I just got sent a tut for a bad ass hoodie from one of friends! I can't wait to try it out. Buttercup (my new puppy) is taking up all my sewing time right now. I'm in the midst of making her a cuddle cup with matching pillow and blanket. I am so excited about bringing her home in two weeks. She's such a playful snuggly puppy! I've also finally finished my first attempt at ballet flats. (eeeeew! it was a disaster. here's for attempt #2) Matt just started his new job and he loves it. We get all sorts of free and discounted plants. Our house is looking so pretty. Meg and I are starting a sewing circle and I'm looking to start a knitting/crochet club. Life is wonderful right now. I'm going to hang on as much as possible!

(bake a mix)

Ugh the Boredom Monster   
10:19am 02/12/2008
mood: bored
I'm off looking for a switch in employment yet again. I think I want to be a PA or work at Puff N Stuff or maybe Eros. Eros would be fun. I am the sex and adult toy addict. IDK

We recently got ferrets! They are so cute and so very much fun. Cam is a little shocking to look at though. They were rescues and she got the worst of the abuse. Poor baby is very bald. She's better though we play with her tons and it's giving her a veracious apitite. YAY!

(bake a mix)

07:47pm 15/09/2008
mood: depressed
Thankfully our house sustained very little damage. A piece of siding blew off and that was about it. We still have no power or gas. We are on our last can of gas. There are no plans to venture forth and get more. At least not until things settle down. The last time we went out in search of gas somebody got shot at the station. FUCK THAT!!! Anyway. We'll see how we fare tomorrow. Hope I can still update.

(bake a mix)

mi vida loca   
05:13pm 07/09/2008
mood: happy
wow! i'm actually posting again!

life's been great. i'm still in love. i've joined the ranks of corporate america so that i can save my monies and build my biz. and as of thursday i now own a car! i am so happy! it still sucks that i've had to loose some friends along the way but i've made some new ones too. i am sewing again and now most of my wardrobe and the midget's is a product of my invention. i love it! so go ahead and stare at my blue hair and crazy threads. i'm the one getting paid big money with benefits to sit at a desk and chillax all day!

but anyway. i'm going to way more shows. a couple of weeks ago we got chill with the dudes from i am ghost and a week before we chilled with jamie jasta as he toured with his new project kingdom of sorrow. it's funny how these guys are so awesomely sweet and cool. it reminds me why i love music so much. they pour their souls into their art. if only we all had avenues to do the same. it's a beautiful thing!

(bake a mix)

ballad of the liggendar   
10:54pm 22/05/2007
mood: giddy
ok. enough of my boo-hoo crap. a cop at work gave me a stun gun. yay! i can't wait to use it! i also go some black lace up boots and new hair. YAY! i'm so pleased with myself. guess that's why i've been lacking in posts. i'm way too happy and way to involved in drinking my happiness up. here's to it lasting *muwah*

(1 cake | bake a mix)

09:57pm 15/05/2007
mood: sick
white gown
Mousy tendrils of grain
Look into the darkness of my waking dreams
Daylight arises a strange old world
That wants nothing of me
My body floats off of the table
You could never change the look of me
Scars of my hate, my tears
Burn brightly on freshly grown skin
My second hand heart beats mechanically
As you race through my bedroom door
You fling your words so violently

I never tell you the truth
I never can be what you want me to be
I never give you thanks
I never. . . I never. . . I never. . .

I stare on through you
With my broken eyes
My own screaming locked in my mind
I lay against my weapon of choice
And slice once again through my threads
The words begin to bleed from my lips
Oozing designs of hate
Strike me down to the ground

I never move as i should
I never talk like a girl
I never live outside of my head
I never. . . I never. . . I never. . .

Do you want to beat me now
My words are stronger than the ground
My tongue, my face,
My hands, my heart
Caked with blood from days gone by

I never want
I never need
I never can be you
Never again

(1 cake | bake a mix)

yay for me!   
09:44pm 25/04/2007
mood: ecstatic
whew! this has been a jammed packed week! i'm putting the finishing touches on the midget's party, going through my storage, my room, and helping cj. plus i start my new job tomorrow at noon.

i can't wait until the big move!

i need a toddler bed, and a futon. so if anybody can help i'll be more than appreciative. thnx and kisses!

(bake a mix)

intwined in time's forgiving embrace   
09:32pm 20/04/2007
mood: sad
the past few months have been amazing. the powers that be seem have cut me a break. i guess i should start at page one.

matt and i met at the end of january. our initial intents were bang until we got bored of each other. we ended up developing feelings for one another. he really is an amazing guy. i always heard stories about guys who say pretty things but actually believe themselves and carry out those romances. he opens doors and helps me up when i'm too high to get myself up. i blew out my knee and he sat up all night with me. matt actually helped me use the toilet because i couldn't get there alone. he rubs my back when i'm sore. every time he kisses me i get butterflies in my stomach and feel like the universe is at peace. i don't know how to describe it.
we're still in the infatuation stage but i'd hate to think that everything i feel is just puppy love.

anyway some funny stuff:

two weeks ago i ride my byke to matt's for a wake up call. i curl up into bed with him and start to give him a blow job under the covers. his mom comes in. he didn't even stop me. the wanker waited until i was done to laugh and tell me.
anyway yesterday we were laying in bed and i was giving him head again and i look up and make eye contact with his mom while his penis was in my mouth. *sigh*

(bake a mix)

blood and magic   
12:25am 22/03/2007
mood: high
so matt and i stayed up talking about music. early in the evening i got into one of my moods. it actually brought me to tears. i hate it when i get like that. but anyway. we got all hyped up about starting a band. i told him a little about some fucked up things that happened to me but i hate sharing that stuff. if this thing does pull through i want to write a few songs to let kids know they aren't alone. i dunno i'm super stoned right nw so sorry if this sounds stupid.

(bake a mix)

i'm sick of the waiting. my patience is waning. . .   
10:31am 19/03/2007
mood: calm
i'm sucked into a world i don't understand. this world of adult hood just doesn't make sense to me. i just want to walk around forever with music blaring in my ears. i'm no musician. i wish i was but i lack the passion. i don't have passion for anything anymore. perhaps my spirit is finally crushed. the sadness is gone though and i don't regret either. is this just a phase or have i finally found even ground. the soles of my feet are bleeding from treading uneven ground for so long. i'm not exhausted though. i want to keep going. i have an urge to rip the hearts of the vulnerable and weak so they can learn to move forward too. so they can see that pain isn't so bad. pain is why we exist. it makes us human. it makes us tolerable to the rest of the race. but anyway i don't expect this to make any sense or for anybody to read it but it's just the random thoughts of somebody who's found peace with in herself.

(bake a mix)

be creative. . .   
01:02pm 06/03/2007
mood: bored
ok i'm bored and was thinking about just how creative some of you can be.

here's the scenario:

it pouring rain outside when you hear a soft knock on the door. the knock is followed by a heavy pounding. you open the door to discover me. my red villains t and raggedy jeans are drenched. my hair is stringy from the rain. i have a worried look on my face and am caring my messenger bag.

what happens next?

(1 cake | bake a mix)

hmmm. . .   
10:30pm 05/03/2007
mood: mellow
so i've been hanging out and playing with matt for a little over a month now. it's weird. i still get the nervies when he touches me. even though we have sex just about everyday i still get that overwhelming sensation of desire and. . . i don't know how to describe it. . . when he enters me. it's awesome. i've never had these sensations past the first week of play with anybody. am i falling for him? i dunno. i think it's mostly the fact that he's so damn sweet. we poke fun at each other and stuff but i don't have that constant feeling of not being good enough. he likes having me around for me. it's cool.

(bake a mix)

11:09am 21/02/2007
mood: disappointed
just spent ten minutes deleting comments on various sites for a specific person. (long winded, i know) but i think it necessary. i know he's in a weird place right now but i'm not sure i can deal. i'm ridiculously angry and i don't think i can/want to help anybody that's caused me any amount of hurt. i was so stupid.

(bake a mix)

11:38am 20/02/2007
mood: chipper
sorry for my stupid episode. and thnx sabbysteg i'm in such a better mood now. pancakes RULE!! anyway to those of you who were just innocent victims of my hysteria, i'm sorry. but for those who are douches (and you know who you are) stay the fuck away from me.

i got my feeldoe. YAY! it's a pretty good girth of a girlie penis. i love it and can't wait to use it!

(2 cakes | bake a mix)

goodbye to all   
03:38am 17/02/2007
  i'm going to disappear for awhile. all i can accomplish is annoying or pissing people off. i'm not capable of hanging on to a relationship of any kind. i'm just a passing fad i guess. but anyway. i don't know if i will ever be online again and i know for a fact if any of you call i will not answer. i'm not going to off myself because i lack the guts to do so. (how pathetic is that) i guess for the next week or so i will still be found at work but it won't be for long. i'll stop going after my last paycheck.

i just wanted to say bye.

(2 cakes | bake a mix)

tragic poetic   
12:14pm 16/02/2007
  so many of my friends label themselves as poets, musicians, writers, basically artisans. i look at them and feel sad. they devote themselves to everything but their craft. will themselves into the world of ordinary and leave their unpolished diamonds on the ground. i guess i've done the same. i have piles of half written in notebooks and unfinished stories and profiles. it makes me wonder why i thought i had any talent. because somebody said so? is that good enough? probably not.  

(bake a mix)

09:53pm 15/02/2007
mood: drunk
i'm trying to ease this pain. so much madness in it. i'm not worth my own tears. took a bath, didn't help. lit some incense, candles, and other smelly things. didn't help. i even went so far as cutting again. it seems i've gone so far down i don't even have the balls to break skin.
i feel like somebody came up behind me and pushed me down a well, but i never hit bottom. i just keep falling into the darkness below me. i've been falling so long that i can't even see the light of the sky from the opening of the well anymore. i used to be able to see a pin poke dot but it's gone. darkness below. darkness to left. darkness to the right. and now darkness above. i'm lost and not a single soul, not even myself can find me. i'm supposed to be this great thing that helps others. this selfless force that brings order to the confused and heartbroken. but i fail. i failed. i can't even help myself. i'm useless. sex doesn't even help anymore. i move my hips and stroke his hair but i don't feel anything. i'm so useless.

i'm drunk and stoned. and still i can't escape it. i've spent hours curled up in my tiny bed staring at my closet door. will it open? if it does will my soul greet me? will it be whole? or will it be that black mass?

my nose bleeds everyday now. i don't know why. i just keep smelling that rusty metallic scent. i think about the times i tried to really hurt myself. the times i've ended up in the hospital. i scream out for help but it doesn't make sense to people. nothing i say makes sense. they smile politely and move on. why would they stay? i don't even want to stay.

my mother's right. i'm ugly, stupid, and a failure. i'll never do anything with my life.

i wish i could talk to my twelve year old self again. i would tell her that looking for acceptance is futile and to never love another soul but her own. i would tell her that her only chance of salvation is her pen and notebook. to hang on to it and never let anybody tell her otherwise. i would tell her that the world is full beasts and she is just a rabbit. in order to survive she has to be cunning. i would tell her that satisfaction is temporary and futile. all that matters is those words pounding her head. "let them out" i would tell her "let them out or they will run away."

(1 cake | bake a mix)

the color of insanity   
08:48pm 15/02/2007
mood: drunk
i wake up every morning at six am and pull myself out of bed only to curl up in it again at seven. i usually sleep until noonish and sluggishly drag myself out to get ready for work. i have no desire or want to proceed with the remainder of the day. i avoid the bathroom mirror because looking in it makes me cry. i've wasted 23 years of my life on nothing. people like to argue that i have a beautiful baby to show for it. but an accident can't be an accomplishment, can it? i can't even look at myself anymore. i disgusted with what i've become. my existence is shit and honestly if i disappeared nobody would lament about for very long. a couple of hours maybe and that would be it. it's hard to come home at night and put myself to bed with knowing that tomorrow will be the same. ppl love to say that i have so much to live for. i don't really. i'm 23 live with my folks, don't even own a car, and struggle everyday with pretending i love my child. i'm horrible and i should just go. i hate this place and i hate myself more. i don't know what to do anymore. i'm tired of pretending and i'm tired of being sad all the time. everyday is just going through the motions. i'm a walking hallow shell. a corpse. i don't feel anything anymore besides my own consuming sadness. everything i do seems to only make it worse.
bah! this is all bull shit in the end anyway.

(1 cake | bake a mix)

12:01pm 12/02/2007
mood: impressed
so last night i left work early and sneaked over to matt's. we've been fooling around for about two weeks now. we talk alot about past experiences with partners and what we do and don't like. i felt sorry for matt. he's over all experience was girls that laid on their backs and didn't move. he has some killer moves though.
well anyway. over the past few rendezvous we've had i've discovered that his kink is being bitten. i sink my teeth into hi and he wriggles and moans. i love it. i've never been with anybody who actually reacted to stimuli. it's a huge turn on. i hate having to guess or stop and ask if who ever i'm with was enjoying what i was doing. that gets annoying. matt definitely lets me know.
last night i was giving him head and trying out some of signature moves that i hadn't used on him yet. i noticed he would squirm when my top premolars grazed the head of his penis. so i promptly stopped and asked if i hurt him.
the problem is matt is well endowed and i have crooked teeth. my premolars just behind my k-9s are inset a little farther than should be. so it was only a matter time before teeth hit head.
he looked at me wide eyed and managed to let out a "don't stop". so i kept going and every time my teeth dug into his flesh he'd squirmed. this gave me the bright idea of biting his penis. soft biting. no digging in and leaving teeth marks kind of stuff. for like nibbling and letting my teeth meet flesh. light pinching and the such. he loved it.
i'd never come across such a masochistic boy. i think next time i'll be a little rougher and see how much he can take.

(4 cakes | bake a mix)

put me out of my misery, please?   
12:26am 10/02/2007
mood: frustrated
so i almost quit my job today. i got pissed at my bosses wife. turned in my keys and told him i was going home and never coming back. he calmed me down though. we had a long talk and she apologized for her stupid meddling. well. it's midnight and i'm exhausted. i need a night out or something. i feel like crying and i hate crying.

(1 cake | bake a mix)